Raw and Unfiltered

Am I Enough?

Am I a good writer? Do I have what it takes?

Can I focus for long enough? Can I get the creative juices flowing?

Will anyone (other than my boyfriend) recognize me?

Will I be better than the others? Good enough to be published? Good enough to make a difference in someone’s life?

Will I be able to let go of my perfectionism and just…write?

Will I be able to let go of my desire to be liked? Admired? Appreciated?

Is it normal to have the desire to be appreciated so much? Or is that just how I’m wired? Have I always been like that?

I remember being in Kindergarten, sitting around a table with several other children…maybe 5 or 6 of them. And they were all talking about which words they could spell. Mom. Dog. And then I piped up. I could spell Mother. I wanted them to know that I was amazing. I wanted the teacher to know too, I think. I wanted to be liked for my giftedness.

God, it’s so hard to refer to myself as gifted. I know it’s true but it makes me feel all…gross and icky. Like I’m trying way too hard. Like I just want to be liked.

But people who I trust say it’s true. And the teachers said it was true. I am gifted. And now that I’m an adult, there aren’t programs to help me navigate. There aren’t stretch assignments that people will give me to keep me engaged. I mean, there are stretch assignments, but I have to go find them. And that takes energy, and confidence, and drive. And those things elude me at this moment in time. All because I resist where I am. I resist my job. I resist my career.

I resist so much. I resist my apartment. I resist my boyfriend. I resist my desires and needs. I resist my body. I resist my personality. I resist my friends, or lack thereof.

I resist so much and then all I’m left with is…well, really nothing. Because once you’ve pushed everything away, the only thing that’s left is…you.

And that’s a scary thing to be left alone with.

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8 thoughts on “Am I Enough?

  1. I enjoy reading all that you write you are more like me than you will ever know your desire to write and still wondering if you will be good enough to be published I have felt that for a long time I love you always

  2. Pam is right. I truly believe that the people in your circle not only know that you are gifted, but very talented in so many ways. Most of the blogs you write, I can relate to and I am happy that you try and find answers to your thoughts. Most people just plug along and never give life a second thought. If we are not questioning we are not growing. 🙂

  3. I feel like sometimes you write the exact thoughts I have. This post seems like it came out of my own head. Like, ALL of it. So hey, we’re not alone! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  4. You need to see what everyone around you sees. You are gifted in many ways. ❤ You are a loving, caring, intelligent, talented, and creative woman.

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