I feel like I am slowly uncovering the dark jewel that is my underlying sense of self…that self that knows she’s a bad person.
I never saw it before, didn’t even know it was there. But now it’s finally come to the surface because I’ve finally decoupled my accomplishments from my worth. I thought that doing so would help me feel better, but now I know why they were coupled in the first place.
Without my accomplishments – my skills, my achievements, my intelligence – I am just a bad person underneath. Ungrateful, manipulative, unable to deal with my emotions, selfish, inconsiderate, judgmental, mean.
But I don’t want to believe that this is who I really am.
In fact, I don’t remember being this way when I was really little, before all those horrible things happened to me, one after another.
This is what I actually remember of that little girl: I was shy, kind, and polite. I was eternally curious and creative. Joyful, playful, happy. I loved people because I could tell that they loved me. I liked nature and going on adventures. I made friends with bugs and pinecones and the awkward children across the street. I loved swing sets and playgrounds. My life passions included wolves, dogs, and Star Wars.
I am still that little girl. She shows herself all the time. She’s not afraid of the world because she knows how strong and brave she is. She loves being creative and being challenged and learning new things. She longs for a day to day experience that matches who she is on the inside – kind, creative, curious.
She trusts that she’ll find this experience in time.